i feel ambiguous

i went into work today and i couldn't tell if i seemed engaged or detached

i felt very detached in a very engaging way

when i looked into the eyes of a fellow worker i could tell that we were only communicating on a very superficial level

then again, he might have felt detached too

i am sitting at my desk and i am thinking of picking up my phone and calling alice

i have been thinking about calling alice for years now

i take a sip of my beer

i am not going to call alice

i chug the rest of my beer and call alice

the phone keeps ringing and then goes to the voicemail

i hang up immediately

perhaps she will never even know that i called and then it won't be awkward

i sit at my desk and stare at the computer screen

my eyes become glazed on the monitor

my phone begins vibrating

i jump out of the chair in shock

it is alice calling me

i sit back down in the chair and play it cool

i pick up the phone

"hello?"

"hi, bob, it's alice. you called me?"

"umm, yeah..."

"what's up?"

"nothing. nothing at all. why do you ask?"

"well my phone said i had a missed call from you, so i was calling you back."

"oh yeah, i did call you. i was just seeing what you were up to."

"oh, well right now i'm at the bar with my friends."

"oh okay."

"did you need something?"

"oh not really, i was just seeing what you were up to and if maybe you'd like to hang out sometime."

"oh yeah, sure. we should do that."

"cool."

"cool. well, my friends are talking to me now, so i better go, but i'll call you soon, okay?"

"okay. bye, bye."

"bye, bye."

i slowly close my phone and stare at it.

i wait for it to vibrate again.

i want her to call me back, saying she will leave her friends and come to me.

i fall asleep with my head against the desk.