The History Of Western Philosophy

Socrates-"I'm gay."

Plato-"I wrote down what my boss said but it might just be what I said."

Aristotle-"I'm so old-fashioned. Fuck!"

Jesus-"I don't know why I gave up so easy. My philosophy is weak."

Seneca-"It will be okay, I think, or maybe not."

Augustine-"I'm Christian, but I am a serious philosopher."

Aquinas-"Me too!"

Machiavelli-"I'm the dude who is the favorite philosopher of every dumb bro."

Descartes-"I think therefore.....whatever."

Pascal-"I believe in God because I don't want to go to hell."

Spinoza-"We need to start pissing people off."

Locke-"I'm a racist."

Hobbes-"I'm a douche."

Rousseau-"I want to go on a walk."

Voltaire-"Shit sucks."

Kant-"I will explain everything but you will learn nothing."

Adam Smith-"I love money!"

Mill/Bentham-"Sex is good; so is reading a book."

Schopenhauer-"I hate life, I think. Maybe not."

Hegel-"I am going to kill you and then steal half of your clothes."

Marx-"It is impossible to misinterpret my philosophy."

Dostoevsky-"I write really long books."

Kierkegaard-"God is alive, I think."

Nietzsche-"God is dead, pretty much."

Dewey/James-"We're American."

Weber-"Bureaucracy!"

Freud-"There's something I really want to say but I'm staying silent."

Wittgenstein-"Why should I say anything?"

Jaspers-"I'm random but I fit in somehow."

Husserl-"I'm important."

Heidegger-"I'm a Nazi."

Arendt-"I am a Jew but I think Heidegger is cool."

Jung-"I am indifferently opposed to Nazis."

Lacan-"You probably can't understand anything I say."

Sartre-"We're totally free and this makes total sense!"

Camus-"We're totally free and this makes no sense!"

De Beauvoir-"We're free because I agree with Jean-Paul a lot."

Althusser-"We're not free."

Foucault-"Yeah, we're not free."

Derrida-"Yeah. I hate myself. And you."

Adorno-"Everyone is so critical."

Rorty-"We got to get back to how shit used to be."

Rawls-"We need to help the poor."

Nozick-"Fuck the poor."

Habermas-"What the fuck did you say?"

Peter Singer-"I think he's talking shit about my animal friends."

Baudrillard-"Fuck it."

Zizek-"Youtube me!"

Clancy Martin-"Google video me!"