I walk out into the sun. I love the sun. I hate artificial light. I spend most of my time under artificial light.
I find myself hating everyone around me. As I walk to class I just want to start beating the shit out of people that are laughing among themselves as I walk past them. Their laughter angers me. It makes me hate myself for not being in on the joke.
Which comes to the greater problem: I hate myself. It is through my own denial of hating myself that I turn that hatred outwards onto all the people around me.
Self-loathing. What a cliche. The very fact that it is a cliche makes me hate myself even more.
But this is getting me nowhere. Here I am, in the bright, burning sun, and all I can think about is Hate.
Growing up I was always conditioned to believe the phrase "God is Love." But if God even exists then I think the better phrase would be "God is Hate." If he didn't hate human beings then why would he leave us here to hate each other, kill each other, and miserably wait until death.
But this is getting me nowhere. The existence of God or gods is meaningless, inconsequential. I need to get to the core of the problem. For if I am just going to blame God for everything, then I am just finding another excuse for my hatred.
The solution to the problem is not to find the cause of my hatred but to move past my hatred.
But it's so hard.
And I hate it.