online literature since 2007

Monday, March 22, 2010

Two very different pieces

I'm very self-critical of everything I write, so I've taken this new approach where I just write anything and don't think twice about it and post it in the hopes of getting some constructive feedback. that's something we should do more of on this blog. constructive criticism.

Suffix: Benzo

Too Fast
in this life I live.


I can't fight the static.

Feel deeply, move on quickly,
tear the bridge down
piece by wrought iron piece
and cross over
to the other side.

With callused hands,
my clothes soaked with sweat,
I'm letting go.

I'm letting go.
Moving on.

Trying to forget.
Just trying to forget.

This is not Ironic

Met a man at the bar and he offered me a drink, so I took it. He offered to take me home, so I let him, and when we got there, he suggested we unclothe, so I complied. And then we laughed until we fell asleep. Laughed because we had become a cliche. Laughed because we thought we were doing this ironically, satirically, but we failed, so we laughed until the sun came up and I decided it was time to leave. Left my panties there but not my number. I guess I'll always remember that night with what's his face.


CharliePuckett said...

I agree with writing unrevised train writing, Ginsberg advocated for this. Also, yeah, defiantly for the criticism. So here goes:

Liked the second flash fiction bit, it is what it is is. But the poem. I have noticed you have a remarkable strength in imagism. When you start to gravitate to orbiting around the "I" and single action verbs, your poetry weakens. When you shift over to imagism, your poetry gets roids. Your imagism works well because it is cut and sharpened--useful but need to be read with care. A lot of WCarlosW's clout comes from his precedent of beatnik imagism, but nonetheless, the man's simple descriptive images were the body and soul of entire poems. I would suggest writing a poem about a concept, to start, making an effort not to use "I" or "me" and let the poem form through imagism. Worst that could happen is that you find a new inflection of voice or angle of perception you never thought you had.

andrew worthington said...

"this is not ironic" (in bold)

that made me laugh...maybe its ironic